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Ashley 30.09.07.07 / 10pm

Sorry, I’ve been back in inpatient and I just got out on sunday. Things are starting to look up for me…finally. I amd doing partial again, I started that on monday and it’s going really well. I see where I made mistakes the last time around, and what I need to do differently and basically that I need to meet the team half way. I kind of just expected them to “fix” me last time (I am very aware of the fact that that is just impossible and silly) but now I am more accepting of the fact that I have to do my part and am working really hard on joining life again and getting out of bed and doing some soul searching etc…
Sorry I haven’t been on the board lately. I’ve kind of been waiting for the new blog to come up…scrolling down 400+ messages on my phone is really time consuming.

I hope everyone is doing well, i’ll start posting more often again.

Rachel, I am in treatment too. It’s hard but hang in there. I’ll be thinking about you.

I’ll write more later. Take care!
Saturday, September 29th 2007 @ 6:54 AM
Mike 02.10.07.07 / 9pm

Hi Ashley,

Sucks that you still have to use your crackberry to browse the site, but at least now the new stuff won’t be such a chore for you to read. And I think its really nice of you to say that to Rachel. Ill be thinking about the both of you.
Shelbie 02.10.07.07 / 9pm

@ Ashley: That’s really good that you’re out. I hope you are well

I am really happy about the new blogs! It’s good to hear from you Marya!!

xoxox
Rachel 02.10.07.07 / 11pm

hey guys.. i think im going into renfrew next week….AGAIN (groan)
Rachel 02.10.07.07 / 11pm

and thnx ashley! i hope all will go well for you
Rachel 02.10.07.07 / 11pm

and mike… you guys are awesome!
Mike 03.10.07.07 / 3pm

Hey Shelbie,

Its nice to see you back. You too, Rachel. :]

found this link today, thought some of you might appreciate the message: http://maniacworld.com/Dove-Onslaught.html

let me know what you guys think.
Rachel 06.10.07.07 / 11pm

my friend sent that to me a couple of months ago.. i love it!! it holds a very powerful message.
Ashley 07.10.07.07 / 3pm

How are you doing Rachel? I hope you are doing ok. I’m thinking about you.

I had a really hard weekend but it went well. I went to my parents which is always triggering but I am hoping that the more I practice going home, the more I will form new good memories and then it won’t be so terrifying anymore.

I am on my way home now and am reclaiming candy!! I am so glad that sixlets can be counted as a dessert and swedish fish can be counted as a fruit! Those are a few of my favorite things

Now I have a sugar high! Gaaah!!! I’m bouncing off the walls (or should I say car doors.) Thank god i’m not driving!

Ash
Rachel 08.10.07.07 / 7pm

im ok.. takin one day at a time… o and g’luck with ur sugar hight
Jodie 09.10.07.07 / 5pm

when i found out about and started reading wasted, i saw myself there and though i had an eating disorder. i didn’t believe people who said displaying symptoms doesn’t mean that you have the disorder. looking back now that i’m healthy, i can understand that i was not being controlled by a disorder, i was willing myself to follow certain rules that would qualify me. i don’t think i was ever sober when i had this “eating disorder,” i was always on drugs that helped me stick to these strict rules that i wanted to follow. now that i’m no longer on drugs and am no longer leading a party life, i have no symptoms at all. sure, i relapsed a bit when i started to change my habits, but that’s always a risk when you stop doing things that you had been doing for months. i do understand that there is an eating disorder, but i just want people to know whether they are creating the disorder or if the disorder is creating them. either one, a want to change and outside help is needed to move on.
Shelbie 09.10.07.07 / 6pm

Oops I accidently posted this in the wrong place. I meant to put it here a few days ago:

That was a crazy video! Even more crazy, was that it was
all true.

I went to campaignforrealbeauty.co.uk and i really like what they are doing.
Elyssey 11.10.07.07 / 8am

Hey you guys!
I´ve just finished reading Wasted for the 16th time (approx.^^) I just love it and find it so neat that it is so appriciated in the world and not just by eating-nutjobs like me^^.
The most hopegiving thing about it to me is that Marya actually achieved what she was so long literally dying for (maximum sucsess) now that she´s healthy.
Greez to you all and Marya!!!
stacy 13.10.07.07 / 12pm

I am a writer and former anorexic and bulimic…have posted here before but not for some time. I’m very interested in knowing what you all think of this:

http://www.mando.se

There is also a youtube video if you search for “Stockholm Solution.”

I am really interested in writing about this…does anyone have any experience with it?
Shelbie 13.10.07.07 / 4pm

I finished reading Wasted this morning for the 3rd time in under three months.

I am always so disappointed when it ends
Mike 13.10.07.07 / 8pm

how come it disappoints you, Shelbie?
Mike 13.10.07.07 / 8pm

wait, i misread that. im guessing you mean that you are disappointed that its over and you are done reading it. my bad.

;P
Mike 13.10.07.07 / 10pm

Stacy,

Glad to see you back. I went to a few different sites to learn more about the Stockholm Solution and I’ve got a quote that I think could get some more discussion going.

“Psychiatrists often lead families to believe that they are in some way to blame for the anorexia or bulimia. Karolinska disagrees and it’s secret is simple. “Just focus on the eating not the problems in your head”. “The more you ask why they became anorexic and what the family situation was at the time, the more you maintain the illness,” insist the medics. Instead they adopt the philosophy that “when you eat right, the problems in your head slowly disappear,” and their statistics speak for themselves.”

and this one too:

“Sodersten and Bergh theorise that eating disorders are not caused by a mental illness at all and the symptoms associated with anorexia and bulimia (such as obsessions with food, binge eating, excessive exercise) are simply consequences of starvation.”

Ill offer up my opinion later on, Id like to some other people respond before I debate anything. and what is your take on it?
Hannah 14.10.07.07 / 10am

Hey Ashley, I saw this and I thought I would write.
I recently just got out of IP (in-patient) too.. been there since December. This was my fourth admission in the last three years and like you I’m damn sure on making it my last! It’s the first time I’ve been out of IP for more that 3 weeks and not lost any weight! (I’m sitting here eating a plum..)
Just thought that I would say hi,
lots of love and support,
Hannah x
Noel 14.10.07.07 / 6pm

Hi to all and Marya….
I just finished reading Wasted..and I am 40 yrs old… I was unexpectedly amazed with Marya’s ability to to get out exactly what was in her head…into words.. Marya..I absolutely love your sense of humor and salmost think that that is what kept you hanging on for dear life. I cannot even believe you were down to 56 lbs once. When I got to those pages at the end..tears rolled down my cheeks. My heart went out to you. Marya…you nailed so much right on the head. You also survived through so much..you must have a guardian angel. I personall y have never suffered from AN or an ED, but have secret wishes for being bone thin quite often,,, and have been forever weight consious and exercise obsessed at times. I relate very much to Myra’s intellectualizations. I have been intrigued with anorexia for the past 20 years. Have a BA in Psychology…but never pursued that field. I have got to read all of Myra’s books now. Hope you are well and life is good.
Noel 14.10.07.07 / 6pm

I just wanted to add that no one else can ever fis “us”..or ourselves…and that an individual, themselves, can only “fix” themselves. Others may be able to give us the tools, resources to “fix” ourselves, but we know ourselves better than anyone else in our lives ever will. And I am referring to “fix” in many contexts, for many circumstances. I have grown to be a huge skeptic of the psychiatry/psychology world….and hospitals and medical field. have worked in healthcare for 17 years. Sorry, but I just wanted to share…some food for thought.
Anyone else out there read Kevin Trudeau’s Natural Cures book. I absolutely love it..and so believe in much of what’s in it…. Also wanted to share that my heart goes out to all who suffer from bulimia,Marya painted such a horrific picture of the disease, that I feel bad for those who suffer that vicious cycle. Been thankful I could never purge..
Nite Nite to all.
(((Hugs)))
Shelbie 14.10.07.07 / 8pm

Haha Mike. I never wanted Wasted to end. It’s amazing how Marya managed to come out strong over her illness. She will never cease to amaze me.
–
Nancy Bratt

I learned today about a woman who was Anorexic and Bulimic for 20+ years, and in 2005 when she was in full recovery, her body started failing. She is now cosidered ‘terminal’. She was given less than a year, this past August.

I read everything about her, and it makes me feel so selfish, knowing what I am doing to my own body.

I hope someone will read this, and stop harming themselves. I wish I could. “/

-Shelbie
Mike 14.10.07.07 / 10pm

Shelbie,

Im really curious why you are able to see the potential there in someone viewing that site and reading Nancy’s story to stop haming themselves and then immediately express discontent in your inability to do so. Its a type of duplicity that ive seen in plenty of people and its always made me struggle to comprehend the complexities and apparent contradictions implicit in that kind of psychological state. Im not even sure how to phrase a genuinely useful question in regards to this, but I think there might be value in simply bringing it up. That is if it emboldens anyone to including yourself to respond to it with any personal insights.

*quietly edges his way into the corner of the room*
Marya 15.10.07.07 / 3pm

People, hey—

Good to see you all here, and there’s a good vibe of people trying to scooth toward health. Lately I’ve been spending some time with a young woman in recovery. It’s both scary and inspiring. Scary because I see firsthand the monster in action, but incredibly inspiring to see the person rising to the occasion, finding her strength, and fighting back. I have my own occasional wrestles with old thoughts, old impulses, but as time goes on, they’re like impulses to throw a tantrum as if I was four—not to minimize how tough the day-to-day of struggle and recovery really is, just evidence that eventually it does fade into your own history, your past.

Life’s seeming so good these days. I just want to make you guys who are having a good time take a look at your eating disorder and just laugh in its face. You’re bigger (stop freaking, you geese, not physically bigger, obviously) than obsession and the teeny tiny world of addiction. You’ve got the option of living a totally different life. Don’t ever doubt that.

Peace, be well,
Marya
Marya 15.10.07.07 / 3pm

Ok, that word in the first line is “scootch.”
stacy 15.10.07.07 / 6pm

Mike, thank you for checking it out! I’m very interested, and I’m of two minds about it. On the positive side, I think it’s an incredible use of modern technology. Having had an objective view of what hunger and satiety were, and what “normal” eating was, would have helped me when I was in the deepest throes of my ED. No doubt about it.

However, my anorexia and bulimia didn’t start because I somehow just slipped into destructive eating habits. I slipped into destructive eating habits because I was very depressed and felt very controlled and held back by my family, my boyfriend at the time, and my school. As so many ED sufferers say, it began because I just needed one thing I could control. I felt so out of control in my day-to-day life. I felt like my whole existence was about trying to please other people. When I finally started to get well was when I finally found other things that obsessed me as much as food. I wanted to pursue my interests and my education, and once I got out of high school and away from my family, I was able to do that. College turned out to be not-so-great, and I relapsed. But once I got my undergrad degree and moved far away from home and went to grad school, I was a) out of the environment where the ED began and away from the people who exacerbated it and b) so interested in what I was doing that I wanted to be healthy so I could continue to do it.

There’s a book coming out soon by…um, damn, I can’t remember…Ira Sackler maybe? My agent gave me an advance copy…anyway, it’s called “Finding Your Self,” and it may be the best “self-help” ED book I’ve ever come across. As I was reading it, I found myself saying, “Yes, yes!” He talks about how in therapy with ED patients, he intentionally avoids talk of weight/food/numbers/stats unless medically necessary, and focuses instead on helping his patients find their passions. It sounds simplistic, but it’s not. There are so many years of my life — like most of my adolescence — that when I think back on them, all I can remember is counting calories and planning the next binge/purge, or planning what I was NOT going to eat that day. I also remember how profoundly bored I was at that time.

So yeah…I’m very interested in investigating the full treatment offered in Stockholm and writing about it. I mean, after all, if it works, I’d like to be an advocate for it in the US. God knows traditional hospitalization has a colossal failure rate, and whatever works, y’know?

Have you seen Lauren Greenfield’s “Thin?”
ashley 16.10.07.07 / 8am

I am having a hard day and its only 8:30. I am at perkins waiting for my breakfast buddy (who is now extremely late) and I’m having this strong urge to just leave because I don’t want to eat breakfast. So I did a “chain” in my head to figure out why I don’t want to eat breakfast and ended up chaining why my friend is late and have decided that its her fault I don’t want to eat breakfast. Oy, I’m a mess.

Anyway I am doing really well otherwise. My sponsor told me I need to cut back the caffeine so I am trying to NOT drink the whole pot while I wait for my friend. I have only had 2 cups and told them to take the pot away because I have absolutely no self control and I am powerless over the damn coffee.

Hanna, how is it going? Let’s both make this the last time. Doesn’t it get old fast? I know I am so sick of being in treatment I could shit a brick. That in itself is incentive itself.:)
ashley 16.10.07.07 / 11am

Hannah-sorry kitten, I spelled your name wrong.
ashley 16.10.07.07 / 12pm

Haha! I meant to say that in itself is incentive enough! I can’t think straight today.
Kate 16.10.07.07 / 1pm

Ah yes, caffeine. I am addicted. Diet Coke being the druf of choice. My parents have said time and time again that they are going to “cut me off” in a feeble attempt to get me to stop drinking it. They should stop buying CostCo packs of it then!!!
But I am too powerless over caffeine. It might go hand in hand with the fact that I substituted diet coke for meals for quite some time.

Take care, all. Have a great day!
Shelbie 16.10.07.07 / 8pm

stacy- i want to she Thin so badly. is it any good?
Mike 16.10.07.07 / 10pm

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnZ8dt2W7Lc

thats the first part. all the others are there. i watched last december and certainly learned a lot from it. hope you do too.
Kate 17.10.07.07 / 5pm

I think Thin is very biased. The one thing I dislike about it is that it doesn’t really show recovery, I suppose. It’s realistic, but it felt a bit hopeless. It’s very well done though. The book is a must: the photography is fabulous and the biographies are rather interesting.
Mike 17.10.07.07 / 6pm

Kate,

You’re right. It doesn’t really show recovery. It shows people trying. It certainly gave someone like myself with no actual experience with an eating disorder an impression of how difficult it can be for someone to truly help themselves even with a dedicated team of professionals. Left me feeling a little hopeless too, but more than anything it makes me want to learn more about why it is that so many people aren’t able to achieve the kind of recovery that they want for themselves. I think if it can spark a discussion or debate about the major difficulties of recovery than I see that as a good thing. I mean, you and I are talking about it right now. And I have the feeling that others are going to weigh in on it aswell, which i can only imagine will be a good thing.

As an aside I was rather disgusted at the grocery store after glancing at the womens magazine “First”. I made a little thing in photoshop about it. Here: http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v186/Mackle/first.jpg

let me know what you think.
stacy 18.10.07.07 / 11am

Shelbie, Thin is really good. I am a big fan of cinema verite (if you ever get a chance to see Allan King’s Warrendale, DO), and I thought Lauren Greenfield’s effort was outstanding. She chose the participants because they were the ones admitted on the day she got there, thus she could follow their whole stay. Whatever happened to them was what the film became about. So it wasn’t so much about her own bias as what happened to the four women she filmed. Also, Netflix has it, if you have an account. (If you don’t, I’ll send you an invite and then I think you get free movies or a free month or something.)

My new ED-related hero is mamaVISION . Check her out! She’s great!
Rachel 18.10.07.07 / 11am

mike, one of the things that sets me off the most is MAGAZINES.
all these stunning skinny models and ‘drop 10 lbs in a week with this magic pill or magic diet’ (which NEVER works… trust me i tried ‘em all)
i feel so bad about myself whenever i see these things. i try not to bring it into my appartment but sometimes i cant help looking at it wishfully and helplessly.
its HORRIBLE.
Rachel 18.10.07.07 / 11am

happiness guarenteed???
HAPPINESS?????
Mike 19.10.07.07 / 1am

Stunning and skinny never go together for me. Im a rock climber. To me athletic, fit and capable are my attractions. I see this supposed ideal of thin as unfortunate and realistically out of step with our biological and evolutionary realities.

And I know, happiness guaranteed. Thats rich, eh? Reminds of Marc Osbourne’s animated short “More”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8RnFYNRzqE

in case you haven’t seen it.
Rachel 23.10.07.07 / 3pm

i just watched the thin series on youtube… all it did was make me upset, scared and frustrated! you watch these girls go through hell and at the end they just end up failing! none of the treatment worked-as soon as they left they ALL relapsed. what was the point of it all? whats the point of it all anyways if your going to fail anyways? it is SO not encouraging.. especially if you are headed to renfew.
im terrified.
ashley 24.10.07.07 / 8am

Just wanted to say something about Thin. I thought it was really triggering and wish I wouldn’t have seen it. I think its geared more towards people without eating disorders, showing them what it’s like to have one. I think here we all know what it’s like to have one and it isn’t worth watching. Just my opinion.
Mike 24.10.07.07 / 10am

Its not surprising to me at all that you’ll find it triggering. I realize just how demotivating that can appear. I hate hearing about things that make you uncomfortable. But maybe since you’ve all watched it now you can point out some of the things that you believe could have been done differently by the doctors, care takers and patients for them to have possibly come out of it differently. I think that you are right that it was geared for those without eating disorders. And I have to admit that for me watching it was a rather educational experience for me. I know it sucks to see people fail at this, but it certainly does represent reality. A reality that i would like to see change just as much as all of you. Id like to think that you guys are all strong enough to have sat through that and find reason to speak up about whatever part that bothers you. Perspective is everything, and I think that if everyone on here with an opinion on this spoke from the heart on this we might actually get something really significant going. Either that or me just rambling again. Im ok with it either way. Thanks for commenting.
Grace 26.10.07.07 / 1pm

Hello from Ireland!
Marya I’m reading Wasted for the first time at the moment.
Hoping to join the ’scootch’..
maureen 29.10.07.07 / 10am

Marya I have a question. Why do you think your parents left you alone when you were clearly not well and in addition they let you go away to schools at a very young age when you clearly needed supervision? Did anyone sound the alarm about this at the time? My kids are just regular teens (which means they can find trouble pretty easily) and I don’t go out of town with out them and I don’t let them go away on their own to say our summer house. Just too many temptations for kids who are not yet adults. I really have no problem staying near to home because my thinking is if I put the time in now, I can have a better chance of having a peaceful, happy life post children at home.
Marya 29.10.07.07 / 6pm

Greetings all!

Oh, I like it here so much better when everybody can LAUGH. That’s the key to health, I swear to pete.

First, Maureen, your question is interesting. It can appear to the reader like my parents were just irresponsible and really kind of moronic. They weren’t either. Both of them would certainly roll their eyes and tell you that, Oh lordy, they certainly wish they’d done it differently. I don’t think there’s a parent on the planet who gets through childrearing without saying that. But yeah, my parents, god bless them, might get extra points for obliviousness. Also, parenting kids in 2007 really is different than parenting them in 1987 was; there are entirely different cultures for the kids. The world I grew up in was nothing like the world your kids have to face and navigate now, and my parents weren’t prepared for the problems that you know about now. And then, as far as sending me to school—a lot of people send their kids to boarding school, and their kids do great. The reason it wasn’t so good for me was because I was already sick, of course; the issue isn’t ANY kid being away from home, but a sick kid. There, obviously, my parents might have made a better call. But all in all, yes, you’re right, and also, my parents deserve a bit of a break. They’re pretty great.

Part 2 of post (I don’t know how long this thing lets you write without cutting off)…
Shannon 29.10.07.07 / 7pm

Hi all,

I just finished Wasted for about the 100th time and still love it as much as the first. I see so much of my own struggle in it and it really helps to know that I am not alone. I still struggle most days, mostly with the overwhelming thoughts but I’ve gotten much better at ignoring them and I find that whether it’s the meds, the therapy, or something else, loving life and not taking myself so seriously has definitely helped. I’ve managed to keep myself out of the hospital for 3 1/2 years not and for that I am thankful. Thanks so much Marya for your story and thanks for this place to openly talk about recovery and/or struggles.

Peace,
Shannon
Shannon 29.10.07.07 / 11pm

ignore the not after 3 1/2 years*
Marya 30.10.07.07 / 7am

Sorry, I wandered off. (Shannon, thanks for all your kind words, and kick ass for your ongoing recovery.) As to the Thin discussion, I’m interested to hear how people respond to it. I think it, like any material about eating disorders (certainly including Wasted), can be triggering; when you’ve got one, it’s hard to step back from the material and hear its message, or see it as a healthy person would see it, and instead you hear the voices that are least healthy in you—the competitiveness, the desire to be the sickest, worst, the parts of you that see death and ugliness and self-destruction as a goal. I understand that, and like many of you have been there at times. I myself liked the Thin documentary; I appreciated her structure of following the young women from admission to discharge, and I, like Mike, was once again struck by the strength with which the disease clings to us—and with which we cling to the disease, too. It may have been made mostly for people without eating disorders, and I think that’s actually great; there are a whole lot of people who don’t understand, dismiss, or deny eating disorders, and a film like that can have an important effect. A lot of the reason I wrote Wasted was to reach people who didn’t have eating disorders; I felt there needed to be a voice out there besides the soothing voices of the simplistic pop psychology books, the patronizing voices of the doctors who claimed to “cure” eating disorders and always infantalized their invariably young, white patients, and the jarring alternative of the bodies used to represent and display the kind of “beauty” some people have come to really believe is beautiful. To a point, people with eating disorders already know what they are like; something like Thin can reflect back to them the insanity of their behavior and thinking. Not “showing” recovery isn’t a failure of the film; if her reasons are anything like mine when I wrapped up Wasted without a promise of recovery, I think the film may have been attempting to reflect to viewers the reality of what they’re doing, how frustrating it is, how purposeless, and ultimately how possible it would be to recover. But that’s just my take…

Just a picky note: Thin was strictly a documentary. Cinema verite is a style of filming a fictional work. Sorry to be such a nerd.

I’ve been getting lots of mail recently from people who are really working toward recovery. It comes in waves; sometimes I get dozens from people who have just given up, sometimes I get hopeful ones for days and days in a row. I commend everybody, those who post and those who simply lurk, for looking for recovery wherever they can find it.

Be well,
M
Rachel 30.10.07.07 / 11am

about the documentary thin….
i think that the women are not given any free choice at all.. i know it sounds supid because if they did have free choice then they probably wouldnt be doing the right thing. but- i woud just hate to be controlled… that is one of the things that drove me crazy… also, the therapists are not trusting…
i guess i just hate treatment in general.. which is why it pissed me off so much.
o and that they failed after all of it.. that really drove me crazy.
is it even possible to have a positive experience?? to like teatment.. k i guess ill never like it but at least not HATE it…
it seems so much easier to just GIVE UP.
Marya 30.10.07.07 / 4pm

Rachel: It IS easier to give up, in the short term. Long term, it’s way, way easier to be recovered. And in order to be recovered, you have to not give up right now and keep doing the recovering part.

Sorry, it’s a crappy gig. Keep going.

M
Rachel 30.10.07.07 / 4pm

ur right but its really hard to focus on the future when you’re so preoccupied with the present…
maureen 31.10.07.07 / 3pm

Thank you for your response on your parents. Good points. Not a lot of boarding school going on in my community, but I didn’t mean to make a judgment call on that type of thing. I just thought the parent thing was left a little unresolved in the book, but maybe I was reading it too much from my point of view, that being one of a parent in 2007.
I wish you the best of everything in the future and I enjoy your writing.
Seagret 01.11.07.07 / 3am

I hated what I saw in THIN. I maybe don’t know the whole story about this place but I believe Renfrew’s approach is deluded and demeaning. What in the world is the point of treating grown women like misbehaving children and not being able to recover with that approach as a grievous “failure”? It’s the staff and the treatment that is failing. Is this standard fare at treatment centers? I’ve never been in one, but my former sick self would’ve deteriorated quickly in that place.

Sorry for the rather negative post but I believe it’s wrong to shy away from strong criticism of people and methods we consider ‘expert’. And the fact that none of the women featured recovered made me furious. It seems like everyone on the staff besides the therapists didn’t give two hoots about what patients go through.

*deep breath* okay.HI.I haven’t posted here before. I’m a big fan of your work, Marya and such a Wasted geek.
allison combs 02.11.07.07 / 7am

my ed and depression go hand in hand…my weight is healthy but it is a daily struggle as we all know….i no longer have as many obsessive thoughts but of course they still occur here and there. then i have to tell them to SHUT UP! eventually they subside for the most part. one big thing that really made a difference is i threw my scale away last winter….and still don’t have one…but i still restrict sometimes but ed is the a**hole and we are all better than that! peace to all
allison combs 02.11.07.07 / 7am

oh yeah also i have a new treatment team which includes a dr., psychiatrist, and a therapist. i haven’t met them yet but am looking forward to it…i hope they are cool….
Shelbie 04.11.07.07 / 10pm

I found a really good video made by students. It’s sort of against eating disorders. I really liked it

[opens in new window]
sorry if someone already posted it!!
Click here
allison combs 05.11.07.07 / 7am

hi shel, i really liked that made by the students. a lot of ed material is triggering for me….when it is pro or whatever. my problem is i restrict during the day and end up binging at night and i can tell i am gaining weight….ugh. i just have to tell myself i am NOT my weight. whatever it is right now i don’t know. thank god. what helps me is doing relaxing stuff, like reading a good book! right now i am reading Season of the Witch by Natasha Mostert. it is wicked! hope everyone is well….
Shirley Stafford 06.11.07.07 / 6am

hello
Shirley Stafford 06.11.07.07 / 6am

I am currently reading “Wasted”…and have an ed…all along…for many years…I have said that when my eating disorder starts effecting my health I will start “getting better” Well…..my health is going down hill fast and I am grabbing on for dear life. I am 47 and after 20 years of aneroxia my period has stopped. Also, I had to have a dexa scan and my bone densisty is now becoming an issue. My eating disorder sits between myself and my relationship with David. My eating disorder comes between David’s family and me. My eating disorder is safe for me…it is what I know..but what I know and what I am use to is not working anymore.
allison combs 06.11.07.07 / 7am

hi shirley i relapsed last night so today is a new day…..i have to tell myself this or i will beat myself up….i am 31 and have dealt w/ this for 10 yrs. god i can’t believe it has been that f*cking long. i am getting ready to go back to therapy and just got out of the hospital a few wks. ago for detox and s/i…etc. hugs to you. do u like to read? a great book that has helped me is sensing the self…it has to do more w/ bulimia but i think it applies to all ed…..i love wasted too…..hope you have a great day… i have to get my son to the bus stop. i will be on more soon.
julia 06.11.07.07 / 8am

Hi, everyone. So I’m not the only ‘old’ one. Anorexia from ages 16-18, then bulimia and restricted eating from 19-39. Yes, that long. I have not b/p since May. I am having a hard time knowing who I am without being the sneaky bulimic. It’s like I am a shell without a person inside. Did I stop having an identity at age 16? Is it too late to get a new one, or find the old one?

Any advice would be much appreciated. I’ve read so many books, but never been to therapy. I have probably read ‘Wasted’ 50 plus times.

julia
allison combs 06.11.07.07 / 9am

hi julia, no it is not too late to find yourself. ed does not define who you are, it is just a part of you. i had a therapist tell me this once and we worked on finding the pieces of the puzzle that are ME…i am getting ready to go back to therapy because it has been a LONG while…can you find someone in your area? it really helps to have someone to talk to. hugs to you!
Shirley Stafford 06.11.07.07 / 10am

As you get older, it is hard to want to change. Part of me says that I have had my ed as part of my life for so long why change now. I know why….why I need the control….a mother who hated fat people and as I gained weight she would give me such nasty looks. When she would hug me, she would pinch my sides to see what she could grab. I can see looking back that she had an eating disorder and really only ate to survive…she really wanted nothing to do with cooking…..eating at my house was not fun….it was quick, fast, from a box…..and when you put on a few pounds she reminded you of it!!!! There was abuse….all the typical stuff…..but it has been 20 years…..yes, therapy is a great way to go…my last therapist was great…until she started with meal plans and trying to get me to gain weight…..yes, therapy is hard…and reading is hard…I have recently purchased every aneroxia book I can get my hands on and have stopped reading for pleasure…
Shirley Stafford 06.11.07.07 / 10am

There is so much great stuff in, WASTED…..so many lines that I highlighted and read over and over again.
allison combs 07.11.07.07 / 8am

hi shirley…you are right about the getting older part..Wasted is by far the best account of anyone’s ed i have read…have you read marya’s Center of Winter? it is fiction and awesome as well! she is so talented…i cannot wait for her new book to come out. anyhow, i had a therapist once who wanted me to do food journals and i HATED them too…..but it was easier to track the b/p cycle…etc. i tried calling one mental health place earlier but no one would answer the phone…am going to try another one….does anyone find like myself that they replace or have more than one addiction? i am dual diagnosed with the chemical add.,ed,s/i…..i am trying to find someone who will treat all aspects of that…my depression is diagnosed as major depressive disorder. sorry for rambling….does anyone know of any dual disorder books that are helpful? thanks….
julia 07.11.07.07 / 9am

allison

I quit smoking a bit before stopping b/p. In fact, I started taking a natural remedy that’s supposed to help balance seratonin and tame cravings. I think that had something to do with not feeling the pull to b/p.

I drink quite a bit on weekends, but I’m not an alcoholic.

I am mildly OCD - also helped by the seratonin balancer - and I am fairly sure I am somewhere on the autism spectrum, no friends, difficult eye contact, sorting is soothing, etc.

Strangely, I feel like I need an addiction to make me whole. I find myself wondering: should I start cutting? smoke pot? drink more? cocaine? Not that I WANT an addiction, but I confess that I would feel more whole if I had one.

Weird thoughts, really.

Julia
allison combs 07.11.07.07 / 5pm

hey julia,
yeah my thought process is not always great either. but one thing/day/hr/min. at a time i guess whatever we need to do. hugs to you and u don’t need an addiction to make u whole because it just strips u of your true self underneath. am i making any sense? i dunno
Shirley Stafford 08.11.07.07 / 6am

Hi Julia and Allison,

I understand the dual addiction….but my second addiction (shopping) was part of bi-polar disorder (which was diagnosed three years ago). As well as not eating, I had these huge swings in emotion….on the highs I purchased expense jewelry (on credit cards) and during the lows I ended a relationship or moved (11 different apartments in 14 years). Finally, a therapist for eating disorders started to chart my moods..my ups and downs and thought that it was more important to treat the bi-polar first. I go to the bookstore and go to mental health and self help….the eating thing is so hard….and WASTED hits so many nerves and makes me look at my own life. I have never been hospitalized but something tells me it would be the only way that I could break my cycle.
allison combs 08.11.07.07 / 6am

good morning all, (i guess? i am drinking coffee) as far as hospitalization, i was recently for detox and years ago for alcohol treatment. i wish then/now i had been in a place inpatient that treats all my stuff. so i am searching for that now…i used to spend too to make myself feel better. i don’t know if i am bi-polar…when they admitted me to detox it said something about it on my chart but i can’t read dr. writing..lol who can? two of my brothers are…a sister that is mia was diagnosed yrs. ago as schizophrenic…is mental illness hereditary? it runs in my family….my sis had an ed too. so many questions and little answers sometimes it is SO frustrating.
allison combs 09.11.07.07 / 8am

hey i just found out that my friend w/ anorexia od’ed but thank god she is still alive. they are sending her to the state hospital….i am sad but glad she is still alive. i hate ed! mine is back full force….ho hum
leanne 09.11.07.07 / 2pm

Hello
leanne 09.11.07.07 / 2pm

Sorry just seeing if it worked! Obviously does. First of all, i’d like to say to Marya how unbelievably truthful and moving the book was for me. The most fascinating thing about it was that I could read it at any point during my ed and recovery and no matter where my mind was at, it always helped me in a positive way. I just want to say to everyone else that, though I have been struggling for ana/mia for several years now, and at times have contemplated, and tried suicide as a way out (one particular incident involving many paracetomol after a birthday cake binge comes to mind,) that is the easy way out. As my mother says…If you get well and you hate it, you can always get ill again. But who knows, you may just prefer it. Trying though I am (I want my periods back-I want babies one day!) some inspiring messages wouldn’t go amiss. Love to you all, and keep going. Remember “Carpe Diem!”
xxx
Ally 09.11.07.07 / 6pm

Hi to everyone,

at first, I want to excuse my bad English…I am from Germany and English is still difficult for me^^
I read “Wasted” first 3 years ago, this time I had an ed still for 4 years. I am now 20 years old and sliding between anorexia and bulima for almost 8 years. “Wasted” was both a step to health and triggering book. Never felt such a connection between me and the author. Regarding the inner And outer form *g* (I am loving your many word-plays!)

I just would like to know, Marya, how could you make yourself “healthy”? Means…what was crucial for you to say “I want to survive”? Was there any living will…your parents…your friends…yourself??? And after such a long period of being ed…
‘Cause I miss it…sometimes^^

Love Ally

PS: I never got to speak your name clearly…guessing the translators must made a mistake
Shirley Stafford 11.11.07.07 / 3pm

Marya,

Your book was so triggering for me…..some of your thoughts made me think about my life and my parents, my relationship with them. My mom is still a main trigger for me. Growing up, she hated fat people and let all of us know it. She would hug us and pinch our sides to see how much “fat” she could grab. If you started to put on weight she would give you these looks….when I was at my lowest weight she would have me lift my shirt up (in front of the family) and she would call me “the human x-ray” and would laugh out loud…..what message should I have taken from that?
allison combs 11.11.07.07 / 4pm

i had an abusive father who was verbal and physical….my mother was both sometimes but not as often….i think the growing up in a military abusive household is what started me trying to be the perfect oldest child…..and no one is perfect….i guess if we were we’d all be carbon copies of eachother…and who wants that>
Kate 12.11.07.07 / 9pm

So, this is a bit of a late response: Mike, I like the magazine you photoshopped. It really does capture exactly what I think when I look at these magazines. Inital interest in the topics aside (guilty as charged, I suppose), I find it to be rather… sad, to be perfectly honest. My God though, how many magazines will I have to see that say, “Lose Weight!” (or something of that nature and cliche) until I grow tired of it? The reason they’re out there is because people are intrigued.
I am ranting. A very off topic rant, too. Sorry! I tend to do that a lot.
I caught on the channel E! about a week ago, very late at night (early morning?), THS! Starving for Perfection. At about three in the morning, watching the interviews documented in the program, there was mention of the book Wasted–and whadyaknow, Marya is interviewed. I thought that was pretty cool. :]
Am I a dork? Yes.
Mike 12.11.07.07 / 10pm

Thanks for the response, Kate. Im glad to hear back from you. And don’t let the feeling that you are ranting stop you from saying anything. Seriously, you can say whatever you want for however long you like without any fear of condemnation. And you wern’t really going off topic at all there.

And yes, you are a dork. Nothing wrong with that. :p
Beccy 13.11.07.07 / 11am

I have only just found this site and wanted to say a big hello to everyone. Wasted saved my life, and Im a huge fan of Marya’s writing.
allison combs 14.11.07.07 / 8am

hey guys what’s up? i wish i had cable so i could’ve seen that documentary….kate, i am with you on the magazine deal…the media pushes that out there and it seems to be everywhere! hard not to let it, alone my own demons, be triggers for me. i finally got an appt. w/ a therapist tomorrow…thank god. i need to get my brain fixed so i can take care of myself…hope u all have a great day!
Shelbie 14.11.07.07 / 5pm

@ Kate:

I realllly wish I could see that show! I would love to see Marya being recognized for the brilliance that she is.
Diana 16.11.07.07 / 5am

Hello. I am nearly done with Wasted. I found the book by complete luck at my college library, which I used to work at before I withdrew from school recently.

One of my favorite actresses, Kate Winslet, wrote an article I think rather recently called ‘Just say No to Size Zero’… I think it was very well written when I came across it. It’s a terrible thing women (and men) go through with eating disorders. I can remember when I was 16/17 getting upset when a size 6 jeans wouldn’t fit me and calling myself fat, wishing I was thinner like my mother. I’m glad to say that I did not develop an eating disorder over this. However, I did doubt my body for a really long time. I still do really. But I’m glad to have natural curves and “tits” and an “ass”. I have a major depression/anxiety disorser… to label it… and I couldn’t hold down food for close to a year. I went from a cute 140 lbs to a skinny 120 lbs. It scared the hell out of me. I felt awful all the time and weak and I didn’t like being a size 4. I felt so small and so strange. I’m glad to be a size 10 again. I sometimes will grumble about not having one of those flat stomachs but who cares really. Hmm okay enough rambling from me.
allison combs 18.11.07.07 / 12pm

hey….it is definitely not fun this ed thing. i am glad u are happy with yourself….i definitely am not w/ mine and i also have depression/anxiety as well as ed…..finding a therapist who specializes in this is hard! but i have to keep trying…it is scary to try and get well….but even scarier to die from this horrible disease….even though that is what i am doing in the long run…i watched dr. phil friday about ed…it was sad but good…
Diana 18.11.07.07 / 7pm

I finished the Wasted book today and am returning it to the library very soon. I’m extremely glad I read it. I really learned a lot and my heart goes out to those with ED’s. It sucks, not being able to eat… regardless of the reasons… and although it is very hard for those who go through it.. it is manageable… and life does continue.

Allison- I hope you do find a good therapist and just know that you have the strength to be okay.
Diana 18.11.07.07 / 7pm

And to Marya- I found your book to be very comforting because it was very honest. To be honest about oneself is probably one of the hardest things to do. I think everyone should read your “Wasted” book. You defended yourself a lot throughout the contents of it… and I felt how hard it was to talk to this silent world of perceptions that were so gone with thin images amounting to perfection and greatness. You never have to defend yourself to anyone. You just have to accept yourself… whatever you are… whoever you are inside… and like it on some level. Because everyone has goodness and everyone has disgusting evils and those who are honest and try to work theirs out are the truly great. You are great.. with or without the books you write… although you are a great writer. But you are great because you are an honest person. And I’m glad you have pets. They look like they make you happy in your photos. My boyfriend looked at your picture with you holding your cute doggie and he said you looked happy there. Peace be with you always, even in your darkest of hours.
Shelbie 18.11.07.07 / 9pm

I feel so STUPID! What has 3 years of purging got me? A hiatal hernia. That’s right. What 15 year old has a HERNIA?!
Kate 18.11.07.07 / 11pm

Shelbie, while I am sorry you have a hernia, I am glad you shared this. The reason I’m saying is I think it gives me (and maybe a lot of other people) a reality check. I mean, a fifteen year old with a hiatal hernia, that doesn’t seem like it would be common. It really makes me step back and think of what I’m doing to myself. I turn 17 on Thursday (Thanksgiving.. dear lord…) and have had an eating disorder for god knows how long, but that’s not the point, the point is I tend to neglect the severity of eating disorders. I don’t apply the knowledge I have of the health consequences to myself. So, thank you for sharing that. I’m so sorry about that though. =( I hope things look up for you.
Jen 20.11.07.07 / 12am

Marya,
I just finished ‘wasted’. Beautiful, smart, real…it spoke to me. Thank you for your courage. You are not ‘idealistic’ or ’sappy’ to hope that you are making a difference in the lives of girls who share in the struggle, like myself. Our world needs more of you. Something has got to give, or this society is going to have us all in a fit of self-hatred and self-destruction. It has to begin somewhere. Please continue to use your experience, genius, and position to make changes……Thanks again. All my love and gratitude. -Jen

*Tomorrow is no place to keep your better days*
Didi 20.11.07.07 / 3pm

Marya,
I just finished “Wasted” and I LOVED IT!!! Thank you so much for the book. I have secrets of my own and I confessed my husband how bad I want to be thiner… He laughed but after rading few things out of your nooks I think I have win him over, and he will help me…
I would like to be part of the site so I would like to say Hi to everybody!!!
allison combs 22.11.07.07 / 10am

hi didi i am glad your husband supports you. ed is a secret….most people that i know are aware of mine. welcome here and i am glad you posted your message
cyberwaif 23.11.07.07 / 8pm

Hi everyone, please forgive any typo’s etc its about 2.00am here in the UK and whilst the insomnia might stop me from sleeping it doesnt help my brain work any!
Marya a thank you and well done on wasted and congrats on the new one-a kind of quick query if I may: how have you stopped sliding back? like yourself, I first showed the signs of “issues” with food at a very early age along with the oh so often accompanying Bi-polar et al.
Unlike you I find myself at the ripe old age of 34 and despite having enjoyed a good few years of almost “normal” eating etc firmly back in the midst of it all-in fact I’m not sure I’ve ever gone this far before.
I’m guilty of intellectualising my condition and trivialising the severity of the situation (the age old I’m not thin/weak/sick/whatever enough to be taken seriously)
and at the same time I cant help feeling that I should be over this type of thing by now,that I should grow up and just snap out of it!
(needless to say - I dont apply this rationale to anybody else!) so how did/do you do it? any insights (from anyone!) would be appreciated.
and Marya, once more thank you for your work-as you can see it really reaches people.
Marya 24.11.07.07 / 10am

Hey all,

I want to say to all of you, and this sounds blindingly simplistic, but I want to say it anyway: for one second, be peaceful. Just sit there and feel peace. Do it.

Thank you. You can do that whenever you want. Just that second of peace. Let yourself.

It sounds like people are in a really rough spot right now—not all of you, and those of you who are feeling your strength, please speak up and let those who are struggling know that it will be all right. It will not automatically be all right. It will not be all right this minute. But it will be all right. It can.

People ask me all the time, how did you do it? What did you do? I wish I could say, step by step, I did this, and then this, and then I found health. But it didn’t work that way. There is no one trick. One thing that I know is essential, no question, absolutely necessary if you can afford it: therapy. You can’t keep trying to do this on your own. You need someone to help you step through the rubble and find your way to a clearer path. And you need someone who can help you change the behaviors, one by one.

I hate having to say this. But it is true. In order to heal, you have to stop the symptoms. Now. Whether you think you’re ready or not. You are ready. Trust me on this.

How do you stop them? You stop them. You have control over your movements, your basic actions. You can make the choice to eat the thing, or to not throw up, or to get off the treadmill. It feels like you can’t. But you can. You won’t be able to stop the urges right away. You won’t be able to just not want to do it. Those things will come in time. They will. And as the desire for health increases, and you begin to reap the rewards of living free of this disease, those urges will fade, as your replace the life of illness with the life of health. It may feel like the hardest thing in the universe. I remember sitting on my floor crying the first time I decided I would not throw up. I sat there, choking with terror, crying so hard I thought I’d break. I thought I had to do it. I thought, if I don’t do it I’ll die.

But the truth is, if I do it, I die.

And so I sat there and cried. I lay down on the floor curled up in a ball. It’s not just hard. It’s wrenching. But I did it. And the urge eventually passed. It came again, and again, and again. But just making that one choice, that one time, was a step toward taking my life back, and living it again.

You say, well, you can do it. I can’t.

Bullshit. No offense. You can.

I’m not saying “just make a decision, and you’re good to go.” But I am saying: make a decision. And begin. Hang onto that decision. Make the choice for a minute, and hour, a day. Don’t try to decide, I will be well! Right now! I should be able to take it on all at once! Nope. Take it a minute at the time. Make each choice, one at a time. I don’t get sober for the rest of my life. I decide not to pick up the drink. That drink. One at a time. And that saves my life.

It is hard, I know. But it is not impossible. It can be done. The hard part? Knowing you want it. And that doesn’t come all at once either. You want it; then it gets hard, and you don’t want it anymore. Then you go back to hell, and want it again. So you look at the larger thing: do you want to live like this forever? Can you stand to do that? Or can you gather your pieces and move forward into life? No, you don’t know what comes next. Yes, there is uncertainty, and that’s frightening as hell. But it is what life requires. And you can do what life requires.

Suicide is not an option. Ever. Ever. If you are feeling that dark, make the call to save your life. That minute. It is never, never that bad. It seems like it. But it isn’t. There is always light. You can’t always see it. You have to have faith. How? You have it. Find it in yourself. When you doubt it, find someone who can reassure you. When you can’t find someone, sit still until you find it again. Do not ever take action against yourself. Take action toward life.

And none of what I’m saying can save you. These are not the answers you need. These are decisions I have to make, every day. And at this point, I often make them automatically. Because I’ve moved on into life. It gets easier. It gets to be natural. That’s what you can look forward to: freedom.

Take it.

Peace,
Marya
allison combs 24.11.07.07 / 12pm

thanks marya for posting that…..i was definitely not thinking clear mon….i just automatically swallowed the klonopins and zolofts….then went walking in a haze outside…it is easier to give up than to fight for life but i am not gonna let myself die anymore….10 years. of hell is enough for me….peace to u as well,allie
cyberwaif 26.11.07.07 / 9am

Yes thanks for that Marya-sage advice and I am working on it, Sometimes it just seems like I’ve been playing this round robin game for ever-each time I think I’m done with it there I am again! I’ve always steered clear of therapy apart from an enforced set of sessions when I was younger with a woman whom I know has damaged more people than she’s helped-my justification has always been I don’t need sopmeone to tell me how messed up I am- I already know! and of course there’s the fear factor too!
once again tho’ Marya thanks for talking sense - it means a lot that you’ve taken the time, it is always greatly appreciated.
Kate 27.11.07.07 / 5am

So, I have a friend currently at a residential treatment facility–a boarding school up in Utah. She has been there since March. I had the pleasure of visiting with her over the Thankgiving break, as she was home for the holiday week. She began to talk about her treatment, and I was captivated. It wasn’t just what she was saying, but it was how she was saying it. Her face lit up, and she voluntarily talked about her recovery. I think that’s my way of determining that she truly wants it–this isn’t her first treatment center. I know the pattern, the “I’m-going-to-get-out-of-treatment-and-grin-and-bear-it-until-you-back-off” mechanism. Hell, it works. You know, that is until it takes you down again. When I was in that pattern, and when those I love have been in that pattern, we seldom talked about recovery–mainly, we spoke of our struggles. I’m not saying that are struggles weren’t legitimate, I’m not neglecting them, but looking back, I can see that none of us used the “R” word because it frightened us. My friend said to me that she’s been sober from her eating disorder for over two hundred days. She, as she pridefully exclaimed, held the record for being sober the longest out of the current patients in treatment. The fact that she smiled as she said this was wonderful.
There isn’t really a point I’m trying to make, I just really found this to be an amazing story. In February, she was an entirely different person–she believed she truly was her depression, her anxiety, and her eating disorder. In less than a year I’ve seen tremendous changes in her, and it’s comforting.
I just wanted to say that even though a lot of us our struggling, change can happen. If you want change, it will happen. I’m beginning to realize this myself. Thought I’d just share that.

I hope everyone is having a good week and that this post finds you in high spirits!
Didi 27.11.07.07 / 6am

My worst crytic ever is my big sister and I wrote her (finaly) about my problem (finaly I accepeted that I do have a PROBLEM) and she wrote me this crazy e-mail where all over the page it says IT IS YOUR FOULT. I really wish the y read your book before they say anything to me. They don’t know how to deal with this. I feel so alone and I am glad that I can come here and write because I feel like I am loosing the ground under my feet. One thing that scares me is that I tell myself ‘that won’t happen’ or ‘that is not me’, when deep down inside I know I am lying to myself. I am reading “The best little girl in the world” by S. Levenkron and it is so waterdown after reading your book Marya, but still it brings out the me that I’ve been but just didn’t know I am… Uh, that did not make any sense but to me. I am sorry, but I feel so mad right now. Thank you for you support all. Stay strong always!!!Love Yourself ofr what you are ( it’s typical clishe), but sometimes that it all we need- accept ourselves and tell the world to back off!
Alexis 27.11.07.07 / 11am

Once again, I have been engrossed with reading the book “Wasted”. Marya, I can always turn to your story when I feel as though I’m “slipping”, and between good literature and intense therapy, I have (basically) been able to bounce myself back into the world of normal eating 100% of the time. I do love the chapters focused on the Interlochen Arts Achademy, seeing as I have recently applied to 8 different art schools myself. After taking a few steps back, it’s good to be reminded that jogging for two hours a day before school and living off of carrots and mustard is not something I would like to be doing while studying for my classes :] Hopefully, I can say, by the time my 18th birthday comes, “I am recovered and completely out of this mess of a disorder!”

But still, recovery is friggin hard! It’s good to see so many people working towards it!
allison combs 27.11.07.07 / 6pm

hey it is a daily struggle but ahhh! i do want to believe i deserve recovery that is why i am checking in longterm in a few days….i have to have the referral for it….i don’t want to be defined by my bulimia/depression/anxiety any longer. i want to be a healthy mom who can be allison again,with all my faults but i have gifts as well, as do we all. and one of the gifts i want to give back is writing about my own experience…and also giving my kids back their mom they knew before i got sick. or chose it rather….even though they are living with their dads now when i get to visit them i want them to say hey mommy’s back! so i have a long fight….but though i am scared i am also determined. love to all and keep on fighting your demons.
Maggie 27.11.07.07 / 10pm

To all who find themselves fighting harder than ever in thier struggle, and/or to those who feel like the fight is just not worth it anymore, I just wanted to elaborate on Marya’s message (for whatever it’s worth). Let me preface this by saying that I am also in an unbearably tough spot mentally and emotionally in my recovery, but…… I’m in recovery- that’s what matters for us all.
Recently, for whatever reason, I have found myself consumed with the nature and brevity of our human existence, with my role/purpose in the world….with anyone’s purpose in the world. Mostly, these feel like questions far beyond my comprehension- eliciting frustration, confusion, anxiety, and a lot of fear. But there is one thing I know for sure, and I feel this in both the most real and the most existential sense possible- This Is It. This Is All We’ve Got. And thus, while the immediate decisions about leaving my ED behind may be left totally unanswered, I can always find solidarity and a clear sense of direction in the big picture- This is all the time we get. It’s terrifying but also humbling, and I think when you are holed up in one little disordered world for so long- humility is often necessary. So then it seems like chosing to live or die is not really that outlandish of a decision- Life is a terminal condition. I know it’s too simple, but I guess that’s the point. Certainly in my own experience, a lot of the ED related issues/behaviors stem from my relationships and attitudes about others and how I’m affecting others, and how I can scare them, and wake them up, and get back at them and etc. In the end, as we all know, I’m only hurting and scaring and killing myself…….. and I’ve put a sickening amount of my life on hold for this disease…. only, it’s not on hold, it’s just gone- because time doesn’t have sympathy for those who are busy with other things- This Is It. I am often dumbfounded by my mentality during the duration of this struggle- I truly thought that once I was sick enough and that this ED achieved success in fulfilling its purpose, that I would begin a life like that of the happy, “normal” people I saw around me. Crazy huh? Oddly enough I find myself graduating college with absolutely no memories of the last ten years except spending time with my ED. I really apologize for being completely morbid and depressing and preachy- I just hope that those who have no hope are somehow inspired by the urgency of my rambling statements……..truly, we’ve all got NOTHING to lose and EVERYTHING to gain in finding health and peace and Life………… and also, it’s NEVER ever too late.
Bryan 28.11.07.07 / 6pm

Ok I am going to cut and paste that entire paragraph from Marya to send to my g/f who just left today for treatment today
Diana M. Pomerantz 28.11.07.07 / 7pm

It sucks feeling like crap, but if you really ask anyone who is willing to be honest- everyone feels that way. They feel crappy on some level or other but its your job in this nutty ltitle world to fight it off!!! I don’t have an eating disorder, but I have an array of other “labels” that I deal with every day. Today, for the first time in awhile, I pulled myself out of bed on my day off and made myself go into the shower. Even though my body was sore from the physical symptoms of depression and general fatigue of life that I experience every single damn day, I got my ass up. I had dreamed for what seemed forever on subjects I wish I hadn’t. I don’t want to dream these mini dramas that I do but I dealt with it. I got up, dizzy as hell from whatever the hell causes it. Maybe I was hungry, maybe I was out of touch for a moment from getting up too quick.. maybe this and maybe that… but I got into the shower and reminded myself to enjoy the hot water on my skin as it is cold as hell outside in Colorado and I am still adjusting to that from 13 years of life in Florida. It sounds stupid to have to take a few minutes to just remind yourself to enjoy hot water on your naked body and to remind yourself to start washing your face and then your body and enjoy one of those foamy thingies and the smell of your bodywash and wash your hair… and maybe get really ambitious to shave your legs even. Then admire your body for what it is and all its flaws. Maybe you have scars on it… but who doesn’t? Maybe you criticize everything about yourself, but who doesn’t do that either really? So you’re dizzy, so you’re tired, so you’re lonely, so everything sucks and you can’t think of one thing or person to change any of it. So your chest aches…. so what? I cleaned up my apartment some… and then I went out actually saying I’m going to the school library and I’m going to write damnit. I didn’t get there until this evening. But I got here and I’m writing something and feeling something. I bought holiday greetings cards at Walgreens… I’m TRYING… !!! I’m showing up for work even though I am just a slave in the monopolizing Wal Mart. So I dropped out of school… IT’S NOT A CAUSE OF DEATH.

Someone asked me just recently what I would like to do … if I could do anything.
An ideal job for me would be to write.
I haven’t decided when it’s going to happen yet. I can’t get my purpose and my head to calm down enough and I have such little faith in my own voice.

You get by somehow, though..

I’m 23 years old and at some point I am going to do something for me…

Maybe I’ll finish my darn English teaching degree eventually if I can get my ass out of bed and actually show up to class and turn in my assignments.

It’s all going to be FINE eventually.
Krysta 28.11.07.07 / 9pm

Hi everyone,
I’ve never posted before but I have been reading these blogs since they came into existance and after some recent events I decided I needed to seek some advice.
To Marya: I have been a long time reader and fan, I am currently in school for creative writing and hope to write a book even half as important and meaninful as “Wasted” or “The Center of Winter.” I know that you don’t check this particular board often because of its content but I wanted to specifically ask you something. from reading “Wasted” I’ve gathered that in the beginning your parents were oblivious or in denial and perhaps triggering. I have been struggling with an eating disorder for almost nine years and my parents have been fully aware for almost two (I have been hospitalized twice.) yet they still act as if this whole thing is a phase or that I have “licked” the problem after two hospital stints. it upsets me and angers me because I have tried very hard to educate them on the issue, giving them a number of good books about the topic to read. my mother refused to read the books and my father literally took one of them to be a GUIDE FOR DIETING. I wish I was kidding because this seems so absurd.
currently I am in a very, very bad bout of my eating disorder and am contemplating treatment again, long term. this decision would mean leaving school for an undetermined amount of time and trying to dig up the funds to pay a large amount of money for treatment. in my decision making I have made the effort to email an old therapist and my current medical professional who is an acupuncturist (I am not seeing any other doctors right now.) this took great courage and it was very difficult. tonight I decided to begin to send the message to my parents as well. (side note: earlier this month I came down with Shingles, mainly because my immune system is so low and my body is beginning to shut down) I told my father the reasoning behind my shingles, and how it was a result from my eating, and he literally just ignored the whole thing, acting as if it was completely fine and normal. I am so frustrated because my parents are a huge trigger for me and are ultimately holding me back from ever admitting that I need help again (I am convinced that I will only need help when they realize I am sick.) to keep from exhausting this topic, I am really curious how you dealt with your parents in your situation. at points it seemed like they refused to acknowledge that anything was wrong and my parents are in that same boat. I don’t know how to get past my parents not being the huge support that I expected them to be. they are my parents! but they hardly seem to care.
anyone else is welcome to contribue their experinces or words of wisdom. sorry this became such a rant.
Thanks,
Krysta
Maggie 29.11.07.07 / 12am

Krysta-

I know you addressed the question to Marya, but I just wanted to mention that I have long been in the same boat as you…. and I have come to my own conclusion (not that there is a “one-size-fits-all” solution to this type of thing); but I have realized that my recovery has to be for me and about me. I have learned that no matter how many letters I write, conversations we have, books, or articles, or psychologists’ numbers I throw at them….. they just don’t get it and they simply won’t ever be able to give me the response I want- and it’s really friggin hard to let that go…. every day it’s hard. I’ve forever maintained the belief that if my family is such a huge part of the cause then they HAVE to be a huge part of the solution…. and for many individuals they can be. Yet, when others aren’t cooperating in your recovery like you want or need them to, it can become a sort of unconsious excuse to stick with the sickness until they meet you where you’re at (at least that’s what I’ve experienced). I can only speak for myself, and I hope the best for your situation, but it would be such a huge loss if your parents’ lack of understanding or support continued to hold you back……
allison G 29.11.07.07 / 5pm

First, to Marya–picking up your book was probably the best decision I’ve ever made in my life. For a while, I went around acting like I didn’t have a problem. When I read a book, i take a pencil and put little brackets around things I like–more often things I can relate to. When I put your book down for the first time, I flipped back through the pages and realized the entire book was nothing but pencil marks… And that’s when I said, “I have a problem.” So I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for dealing with the pain, for sharing the details of an incredibly secretive disorder… for making something positive come out of the pain.

To anyone who has some advice:

This is my first time posting, and I’ve read through a lot of posts on this page and this is by far the most helpful site I’ve ever come across.

Just a few basic blurbs to introduce myself. I’m allison. 19. In college going for a Dual-Degree in Physiology/Neurobiology and Nutrition (Yeah, I know). I’ve had an ED for about two years now. I’ve wanted to be a doctor since I was five, and I feel like I’m going to throw it all away over a desire to be thin.

Anyone have any advice on the whole patience thing? Thats what seems to be my problem with recovery. I tend to get “better” for a few months and then just crash again. Sometimes I’m so sure about my recovery. I feel like I can fight it. And It’s all going to be alright. And other times, I don’t even care about the concept of recovery. To every request for me to eat, I say “I don’t care.”

The idea of it taking years to get better just seems daunting to me, probably because I’m nineteen and “years” seems like.. my lifetime. I met someone last semester who has/had an eating disorder that was at its worst her freshman year of high school. She’s been in recovery for 8 years, and she said Thanksgiving is still the most outrageously stressful holiday of the year.

And it all just seems so overwhelming. Maybe I’m just impatient.

I’m sure someone else must have gone through the ups and downs at some time. What are some things that helped deal with the frustration?
allison combs 30.11.07.07 / 8am

hi to all…about patience and things…i am still trying to gain more of that….marya posted at one point sometimes we have to just sit be in that moment…i like that a lot….people have to tell me to do it sometimes because i start getting frustrated….like i take just a little time out and breathe…other times, through the ups i still have a hard time feeling i deserve them and if the downs are really bad…then i resort to the negative thoughts/actions pertaining to self-destructiveness…currently i am having my kids live w/ their fathers so i can go long term inpatient. tues. is my assessment….i am scared to get/be well as i have done this crap for so long but if i don’t learn to take care of myself and love me then i will die. so for today…i am just trying to breathe and my daughter is coming to get the rest of her stuff….i get to see her for the first time since my suicide attempt a couple wks. ago….the holidays are really going to bum me out but for now i gotta do what i need to in order to get healthy. why does living life seem so freakin’ scary? my parents did contribute to a lot of this but i have to be the one to break the chain…oh well done rambling for now…
Mike 30.11.07.07 / 7pm

Thats not rambling, Allison. You are making an incredibly important decision that if going to affect a lot of people. Each of them for the better, especially you. Its obviously not going to be easy and at time its going to just fucking suck for you, but you are doing it. Thats what counts. And stopping to breathe is probably the single healthiest habit that anyone can pick up. Seriously, oxygen for the body and the brain is the single most important thing to health. We don’t last very long without it. Anyway, I hope you know how awesome it is that you are taking these steps towards a better life for yourself. You deserve and I wish you the best of luck. I hope you can keep talking here about anything you feel like. :]
Dani 01.12.07.07 / 10pm

Hi Marya,

One of the biggest things that made your book stand out for me (apart from the great writing) is that it represents the people who have eating disorders and mental illnesses who haven’t had some sort of single issue or trauma that caused it. Most books or documentaries reveal that there’s always some “cause” that can be pinpointed and worked on, and it drives me crazy because nothing like that ever happened to me, my eating disorder and other ways of thinking have always just sort of been there.

Thank you
Kelly 02.12.07.07 / 12am

Hi Marya,
Wasted is such a reflection of my life and my own feelings, the first time I read it I was just completely taken aback. I find such strength in your words. I have recovered, relapsed, recovered so many times. Each time I need the strength to get back on my feet I pick op my copy and read it- your words are so poignant, beautiful and yet scary. I thank you for them, and for having the strength to verbalize your past.
This is my last chance to recover, I can’t afford to keep going any longer like this and my body is telling me that even now. I go inpatient for the seventh time on Monday and I will be thinking of your courage, strength and the fact that there IS life after all this. I think it must be possible to laugh in the face of this monster I have nursed for so long. Once again, thank you.
-Kelly
Jo 02.12.07.07 / 5am

Hi All,

It never fails to astound me how many people out there are fighting their own version of my civil war. I’m having a really low day today, and came across this site by accident.
Wasted changed my life (hideous cliche but required because it really did change my life) i’m halfway through treatment for Bulimia but it’s been suspended until i can get my raging depression under control.
Anyway just wanted to say “Thank you Marya”. Everytime my therapist tells me not to give up and my whole life can be different very soon, and i think no-i-can-never-change-this-is-me -forever-i-have-already-failed, I think of you and remember it can be done.
Love
Jo
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allison combs 03.12.07.07 / 9am

hi mike thanks for the kind words and speaking true. i will still keep y’all posted when i can…i know my recovery comes first but do they have internet access in these facilities? otherwise i don’t know how else to keep in contact. i will blog on tomorrow when my assessment is over. thanks to everyone SO much for the support on here. i really wish us all the best….hugs to everyone. i know since marya can do this we all can : )
Maggie 04.12.07.07 / 1am

Hi all. I keep returning to Marya’s last post….. finding renewed strength and faith.. for however long it lasts. However, and I don’t mention this because it is the most obvious of difficulties in all of this, I am stuck on the “stopping the symptoms” part. I get that in order to deal with the real dirt that drives the disorder you’ve got to remove the behaviors so this stuff is exposed, and able to be delt with. However, I’ve often heldfast to the belief that the symptoms will lift themselves when the time comes- when I’ve done enough work on my emotional self- when I’ve strengthened the rest of me enough to not need the behaviors….. and I believe this attitude has been supported by my therapist. Yet, I have also had proffessionals say outright- “you could have the most amazing, revelatory therapeutic experience” and you will still be left with this mess. Then, you spoke and I was struck by the certitude in your voice, and your use of the word “Now”. I guess I’m asking for further explanation…….. or maybe I just really don’t want to believe it……..
Aimee 04.12.07.07 / 2am

Hi Marya and everyone else
i just wanna say that im glad i got the book im almost finished ….i had to cry sometimes while reading its incredibly well written its like im looking in a mirror sorry for the bad english and greetings from switzerland
Ally 04.12.07.07 / 3pm

Thanks Marya
for this long thoughtful comment.
Sometimes I can feel something inside me who tries to remember a life without Mia. That is the time when I get depressed and feel so ashamed of myself. All the lies…my whole life.
But then…it is gone. I really look forward to live, but to live a life I can stand, in a world full of hatress and fear. My ed IS my life, I am hers and there is nothing else I want to stand up every day for. Maybe it is selfish and arrogant, surely it is, to think this way, but it is mine. Noone ever will keep it away.
Yes it hurts, to read your words, it hurts so much and it is astonishing, I am still able to feel this way. But I hope there are people, who will understand better than I do.

Love Ally
allison combs 05.12.07.07 / 1pm

hi all…..i went for my assessment yesterday….here there is not an inpatient facility that treats dual diagnosis…so the plan is i am going to 30 day inpatient drug/alcohol treatment first. fri. i find out exactly when. i am happy i stood up for myself and requested where i wanted to go and got it! after that i will be in counseling for my other stuff…so there is a plan man! i am back on my meds now…the CORRECT way…and am staying w/ friends whom do not drink and that i consider family….it is great to have support here and elsewhere….people who are each at different crossroads but still striving and hanging on….hey ally, my nickname is allie too..lol i deal with mia as well….it is a complicated bitch to understand and deal with but it is kick-ass that u are fighting and talking about it. for me when i don’t talk is when mia and all my other stuff just is in full force…i let all my negative disorders control me and just sit there,a shell of myself….but when i can get out of my distorted brain and thinking and YELL (speak) or even just write how i feel on a piece of paper…i am reminded that there is an allison in here under all the bullshit…and i do have a voice. so do u, so do we all.. hugs to everyone and hope your day is peaceful.
Kayla 06.12.07.07 / 5pm

Hello all. I’ve been lurking (mainly in the books thread) but I have a question which I need help with.
As I’m sure most (if not all) of you know, eating disorders cause a huge amount of anxiety and chaos in families. I’m sixteen, live in a boarding situation, before which I lived with my grandparents and two younger siblings. My mother is dead, and had an eating disorder along with multiple labels of the DSMIV kind during her lifetime. My father has schizophrenia, and is not involved in my life so no problems there.
But my grandparents and extended family are positively in uproar now that they are aware of my eating disorder. They only found out about it after I was hospitalised in a child/adolescent ward for suicidality and all the other bad stuff came tumbling out into the open.

They want ideas, they want to understand, and my solution to that is to find some reading material to help them, maybe calm them down. My godfather has read Wasted. The other book I can think of is ‘Biting the Hand that Starves You’.

Any ideas for titles/articles?

Thankyou
- Kayla
Mike 07.12.07.07 / 11am

Allison,

Im glad to hear that made it through your assesment. Sucks you can’t get treatment for dual diagnosis, but at least you are signed up for something that is going to help you get well. Its also nice to know that you are with people who care about you and can give you the support that you need right now. I hope you can keep writing to us here whiile you are in treatment. Write back soon.

Kayla,

Glad to see that you chose to stop lurking and spoke up instead. I wish more people would take that step too.

It sounds like your genes aren’t really doing you any favours, but more importantly it seems like you’ve got the right kind of mind to see past that and find some improvement for yourself. I can’t imagine why else you’d be wanting to help those around you understand more about what is happening to you.

As for more books Id definitely reccomend “The Body Betrayed: A Deeper Understanding of Women, Eating Disorders, and Treatment (1995) by Katheryn J. Zerbe, MD.” Its quoted all over ‘Wasted’ and is a thouroughly informative read. She is even coming out with “Integrated Treatment of Eating Disorders: Beyond the Body Betrayed”, but im not sure if its out yet. Ill look into it for you. Hope that helps. And don’t be afraid to come back and ask more questions. I know Marya has some great book suggestions in the archive and Im sure if you asked her she’d be happy reccomend something that might help your family understand what is happening to you a little bit better.
Shannon 08.12.07.07 / 12pm

Hi All,

I’ve been struggling quite a bit lately as I always do when it changes to winter, as I pretend any other season is bright and sunny everythough it’s everything but. And I was talking to my psychology professor the other day and he said something, not anything earth shattering, but something I had never been told before. He said “you know, it doesn’t have to be this way”. I thought about it for awhile and then I burst into tear. What do you mean? It’s always been this way. I HAVE to be this way. This IS me. But the truth is, the starving, the cutting, all the other shit I do is just that, it’s what I do. It’s what feels like most times what I have to do, the only option. But I just thought I’d share this with all of you today as something to think about. I know how often it feels like this is the only way. And it’s easy to see how people can struggle with this stuff for their entire lives. But just think about that, maybe there is another way. Maybe it really doesn’t have to be this way.
-Shannon
allison combs 09.12.07.07 / 11am

hi mike thanks for the support! i find out tomorrow when my bed date is. does anyone know if there is a Chicken Soup For the Soul for chemical dependency? or any other books along that line? i am excited actually about treatment. i know it is not going to be fun and it will be painful to deal with my shit but this is my zillionth chance at life and i have to make it this time and learn to embrace myself. it doesn’t have to be this way…..shannon your psych instructor is right…hugs to all and i will be on tomorrow to update everyone.
Diana 10.12.07.07 / 3pm

I remember all my stays in a psychiatric facility. I was voluntarily admitted like 12 times or something for major depression, anxiety, bad reactions to medication including psychotic symptoms, and possible bipoloar disorder. Seriously, I hated it. The staff, the food, the beds, the roommates, the boredom, all the symptoms I was having. I thought I would die. I was nauscious, hearing things louder than they actually were from GEODON medication, dellusional at one point from RISPERDAL medication… I would spend time flirting with older male patients. I would put makeup on depressed women patients. I would talk to rape survivors.. do anything to keep from going nuts. Seriously though, the whole 18-22 rounds of hospital visitation lifestyle really hurt me. But you know what.. maybe it didn’t??

Since I was 20 my condition is considered “disabling” and I receive financial assistance from our government for that. I take medication- Paxil, Trileptal, and Klonopin.
I hate it…. but I am doing okay…. ]
I feel miserable a lot and just don’t know what I want or what would take that ache out of my body that people who are depressed would sympathize with… but sometimes I just want my friends (they are male.. and there are 3 of them) to hold me tightly. Just feeling they care and they love me makes it so much better.

To everyone going in to treatment for their ED or their mental illness or whatever label- you need the love and support of whoever you may trust in life.. be it family, lovers, friends… whatever!! Reach out to those people. Cry on their shoulders… and say the words “I don’t feel good..” It sounds childish and vague, but I said that for over a year and a half… and I still say it sounding like a 5 year old. But sometimes all you need to do is say “I don’t feel good.” And just recognize that and then try to make it better with the help of time and therapy and doctors and meds and well whatever else YOU need that will be a healthy way to a better life. You can do it..
I had a year and a half of sheeding weight because to my despair, I had no appetite and could not hold down food. I was that depressed/anxious. I thought I’d never be able to eat again and it would all suck forever. Look it took a lot of waiting and just giving in to the hell I was feeling, but I’m BETTER now.. and you will be too.

Love, Diana
Diana 10.12.07.07 / 3pm

Let us all give in to our misery for a moment and just admit it sucks. But now let us sit up and remember the hearts are still beating in us, our eyes are still full of life, our tummies want something yummy, and we want a better life.

Please remember that deep down we all want to be healthy and good. It’s okay to fall down and mess up. But you must get back up. If you can think of no way out of your hellish mindset… take your focus off yourself and onto something that is sweet and innocent. Like a cosy blanket… or petting a cat or dog.. I mean it sounds stupid and maybe you’re going- what the hell does she know… but as mundane and simplistic and it is… it is the little things that got you in the mess that you’re in, and it is the little things that will get you out. THINK ABOUT THAT. *wink*
Diana 10.12.07.07 / 3pm

Does anyone like The Carpenters, by the way??
If you do not know, Karen Carpenter had an eating disorder and died as a result of it. She was so very talented and special and I love her music so dearly….

Please listen to her music, and please think of her through your treatment. I think it might comfort you.
Shelbie 10.12.07.07 / 9pm

I really like the Carpenters. Karen’s voice is so beautiful, it sends chills down my spine. Shame how she died
allison combs 11.12.07.07 / 8am

hi diana, i love your outlook on the getting back up. yeah, we do need to lean on the people that support us and get rid of the negative ones. hugs and winks to all as well.
aimee 15.12.07.07 / 6pm

why is an ED so strong why oh why im feeling so bad today im totally in my mia cycle it makes me feel whole for a short time its the only thing that makes me feel whole and i always ask myself why ….i simply dont know
Rachel 15.12.07.07 / 9pm

hey! my best friend had to make a speech infront of her class for an assignment and so she chose to write about anorexia.. i thought it was interesting so i decided to post it… o and btw the friend that she wrote about is me. enjoy

Imagine your parents gave you a car for your 16th birthday. It’s not new or anything, but it doesn’t have too many miles on it. It’s an ok color, not your favorite, but ok. It’s got two or three nicks or scratches, but it’s pretty cool, and it moves like crazy.

Now imagine that you looked at that car, the one that takes you to school every morning, the one that takes you to the mall every weekend, the one that feels so good on the highway, with the windows rolled down, imagine that you looked at that car, and saw every bump and every scratch and the wrong color and the wrong upholstery and you hated it.

You hated that it was not a Porsche, not a BMW, not a Ferrari. You hated it so much, that you decided to punish it. Decided to let it know who was boss. You hated it so much that it was making you hate everything else, too. It was al you could think about. So you stop changing the oil. You stop filling it up. You just let it run down, that stupid, hateful, undeserving, ugly, hunk of metal.

This seems ridiculous, right? But everyday, millions of young people across America are starving their bodies, letting them break down, because they are not pretty enough, not thin enough, not perfect. They hate themselves, hate their bodies, hate their lives. How much sense does this make? Not much. But to a sufferer of an eating disorder, it is very, very real.

What is anorexia? Anorexia is a severe, potentially life threatening eating disorder characterized by excessive weight loss and self starvation.

At least five million women in America suffer from eating disorders. About one out of every hundred girls between ten and twenty are starving themselves.

My best friend is anorexic. She started out by going on a harmless diet, and I was very happy for her, and I cheered her on. But before I knew it, my friend was trapped in something much more serious than a simple diet. My friend showed me many signs that hinted to how grave the situation was, and I knew she obviously wasn’t eating healthily, but I thought it wasn’t so bad. It took me a long time to figure out that she was really anorexic. Although I new the basic symptoms of anorexia, I did not connect them to my friend. I didn’t want to believe that a girl who I talk to on the phone almost every 10 times a day, who I have confided in countless times, and who is so much a part of my life, can be a victim of this terrible illness.

How can it be that I failed to detect this major part of her life, this dark secret that she kept inside and lived with every day, from a girl that I thought I knew everything about?

Perhaps as an outsider I would’ve picked it up right away, but because I was so close to her, I couldn’t see it. Or maybe I just didn’t want to accept the bitter truth.

She was so normal to me. She had a sense of humor, laughed a lot, and had a bight smile. How could she be suffering?

Not only did I not realize how serious the situation was, but I myself was starting to get influenced by her. I became more conscious about everything I ate, and I started reading food labels a lot more.

Why is it that anyone, even my friend, can be struck with an illness which causes such harm and heartache? Healthy, well balanced people don’t want to inflict pain on themselves. How can these people get so easily swept away in an illness that totally blinds you, takes control over your mind, and brainwashes you to do what logically makes no sense?

It’s obvious, just look around, that the media encourages each one of us to strive to be as thin as we can. Everyday, we are flooded by media images and messages. These messages are found almost everywhere, that they are very difficult to escape from. An average U.S. child sees more than 30,000 TV commercials each year. Reading between the lines of many ads reveals the message that “You are only acceptable if you look like our model” (who is six feet tall and wears a size four – and is probably anorexic.) in the media, happy and successful people are almost always portrayed by actors and models who are young, toned, and thin. In contrast, evil or stupid people are portrayed by actors who are older, unkempt, and many are fat.

Today’s cultural expectations are cruel and unrealistic. It equates success and happiness with thinness and beauty. How wrong. If losing weight truly did lead to happiness, we would be a planet of walking twigs. True happiness is achieved through one’s realization of his worth and place in the world, not by abusing the body.

Another issue that can trigger anorexia is a person’s need for control. Not feeling in control of their lives, some victims believe that eating is the one area over which they can take charge. Food and weight can be controlled while other aspects of life cannot. By starving their bodies, those with eating disorders try to regain a sense of control over their inner turmoil. Restricting food intake while in the presence of tempting foods, carefully sticking to strict rules, and successfully losing weight while so many others can’t, evokes feelings of accomplishment while providing a sense of security. Eventually, though, anorectics feel even less in control as they become imprisoned by behaviors and thought patterns that, despite their efforts, they cannot give up.

For some, the need for perfectionism can trigger an eating disorder. In spite of their man achievements, they feel inadequate and defective. They set rigid, unrealistic standards for themselves and feel they have failed totally when they cannot achieve the degree of excellence they demand of themselves. They see the world as either good or bad, a success or failure, fat or thin. If fat is bad and thin is good, then thinner is better, and thinnest is best – even if thinnest is 68 pounds in a hospital bed on life support.

There are other issues, too. Some people use starving as a form of rebellion against their parents. Food is just another power struggle with Mom or Dad. Many people hate themselves so much, they are punishing themselves. They feel that they do not deserve the pleasure derived from eating. And others are practicing a form of passive suicide. Many of them succeed.

What is the most common trigger of an eating disorder? Dieting. It is true to say that if there were no dieting, there would be no anorexia. Neither would there be bulimia that people create when they diet, make themselves extremely hungry, overeat in response to hunger pangs, and then, panicky about weight gain, vomit to get rid of the calories.

Because everyone today seems concerned about weight, and because most people diet once in a while, including you and me, it’s hard to tell what is normal behavior and what is a problem. In addition, the early stages of an eating disorder can be difficult to define. When does normal dieting become a health and emotional problem? When does weight loss cross the line and become dangerous? Answering these questions is hard, especially when the person has not yet lost enough weight to qualify for a clinical diagnosis. Nevertheless, the questions are important. No one person will show all of the characteristics of anorexia or bulimia, but they will show several.

They skip meals, take only tiny portions, will not eat in front of other people, and chew mouthfuls of food but spit them out before swallowing. They may grocery shop and cook for the entire family, but will not eat the tasty foods. Always have an excuse not to eat – “is not hungry, just ate with a friend, is feeling sick,” and so forth. Claim they have become a “vegetarian,” but will not eat the necessary fats, oils, and whole grains required by true vegetarianism. Choose low fat items with low levels of needed nutrients, foods such as lettuce, celery, and sprouts. Often have a diet soda or coffee in hand, because they are basically zero calories. Read food labels religiously. If they break self imposed discipline and eat normal or large portions, they excuse themselves from the table to throw up.

Anorectics wear baggy clothe, sometimes in layers, to hide fat or emaciation and to stay warm. They exercise compulsively they may tire easily, but keep up with harsh expectations only through sheer will power.

In spite of average or above average intelligence, victims of anorexia think in magical and simplistic ways, for example, “If I am thinner, I will feel better about myself.” They loose the ability to think logically. They become irrational and deny that anything is wrong.

We all get angry once in a while, but those with eating disorders don’t dare to express that anger directly. They do not know how to express it in a healthy way, and turn it against themselves by starving. They deny anger, saying something like “Everything is ok. I’m just tired and stressed.”

We all know that there are medical consequences to an eating disorder, but do we know how severe those consequences are? Eating disorders can affect every cell, tissue, and organ in the body. If not stopped, victims can develop osteoporosis, infertility, cardiac arrest, and even death. They may also have shrunken bones, low body temperature, and fuzz or excess hair on face, arms, and other areas – which is the body’s attempt to keep itself warm. These are only a few of the numerous consequences that come as a result of this horrific disorder.

It may be easy for us to talk about anorexia theoretically, but what we must understand is, in reality, what goes on within the mind of an anorectic? Here is a typical conversation between an anorectic and her doctor.

“It hurts.”

“How long?”

“Yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that. Forever.”

“What makes it better?”

“Exercise. Running, sit-ups. Can I do sit-ups?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“You’re in pain. You’re starving.”

“Oh, that. It wasn’t so bad at first. And you’re right, it hurts, and oh!” She writhes on the bed. “Oh, it’s happening again! Do something!”

“Let me see.”

She hesitates. Then, as gingerly as if she were releasing a newly hatched chick, she uncups her hands from her abdomen. She looks like an inmate from a concentration camp. Her abdomen is concave, gutted like a melon. Her ribs protrude; her limbs are as thin as dry twigs. A fine down coats her cheeks, because her brain thinks she’s metamorphosing into a fetus. Moaning, she grits her teeth, pitted, brown and scarred from the acid that bathes them every time she vomits.

She is 12 or 40, blonde or brunette, white or black. She may be a he. Her decline has been gradual: a harmless diet to lose a few pounds. She’s perfect at pretending, at loading her plate with food and pushing it around. Then she dumps it, flushes it, gives it to the dog. Or she hides food under her bed, in shoes, above the acoustical tile of the hospital’s ceiling. As her flesh melts away, she is drawn, as inexorably as a moth to a flame, to mirrors, to windows, to pools of water into which she will gaze at herself, noting this flaw and that. Eventually, she’ll immobilize herself. She’ll eat herself up. And she has forgotten hunger. In the life of almost every anorectic, there comes a day when hunger has no meaning and the ability to know hunger vanishes.

I place the drum of my stethoscope on her belly. There’s nothing, and then there’s a faraway tinkle, and I see that she’s nodding frantically to tell me that’s it, that’s when it hurts.

“You’re having hunger pains.”

“Hunger pains?”

“Yes. You’re hungry. That’s why you hurt. Your body knows it but you have to listen. You need to eat.” She acts as if I’m speaking Swahili. “Eat? Food?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, no, you don’t understand.” She gnaws her chapped lips until they bleed, “I couldn’t possibly do that.”

Unfortunately, anorexia has had its influence on our Jewish communities. To every single one of us, this is not a topic that is unfamiliar. We all know or knew somebody in this condition. Many of us may feel hopeless when we are forced to deal with this situation, since the process of recovery requires skill, sensitivity, and training. In other words, it’s a job for professionals. None of us are doctors, psychologists, or therapists who have been trained in this area. Does that mean there is nothing you can do to help your friends who are so desperately needy, yet so stubbornly defiant? No. There is much you can do. You can be a friend, a sibling, someone who cares – and there is great value in the support and encouragement you can provide in that role. What you cannot be is a trained clinician, and trained clinicians are what are required for recovery from an eating disorder. Therefore, your primary focus should be to encourage the person to talk things over with a physician or counselor.

Here are some suggestions to help you talk to an unhappy and defiant person.

It is vital that you talk to the person when you are calm.
Make it clear that there are numerous advantages of recovery and a normal life.
You must agree with them that recovery is hard, but emphasize that countless people have done it.
Never bribe, threaten, or manipulate. These things don’t work.
Never say “You are too thin.” She will secretly celebrate.
Never say “You have gained weight.” She will lose it.
Yes, recovery is possible. Eating disorders are treatable, and many people recover from them. However, recovery will only happen once the person comes to the realization of what she has fallen into. Nothing will change until she admits she has a problem and accepts help. Here is a quote from a former anorectic in which she describes her traumatic experience.

“Anorexia is like you’re running down a hill, and all this wind is going through your hair, and it’s exciting. But all of a sudden, you’re going too fast and start to spiral out of control. You fall. Then you’re just sitting on the ground, shocked, with all these bruises.”

Most people with eating disorders, especially in the beginning, resist treatment. They cling to the illusion that if they just lose enough weight, they’ll feel good about themselves, improve their lives, and enjoy self-confidence and success.

After a while, however, they begin to understand that the supposed benefits of thinness are only an illusion that will never bring them to happiness. Starving, binging, purging, and other self-destructive behaviors will never lead to peace and a meaningful life. When people get to this point, and when they begin to look for better ways to build meaningful lives, recovery becomes a real possibility.
allison combs 16.12.07.07 / 11am

wow……u are very lucky to have such an insightful and good friend who cares about u. hugs to u and hope u have a nice day!
Shelbie 16.12.07.07 / 5pm

Rachel, i saw your comment and though, crap that’s long! But I started reading it, ad I was unable to stop reading it. It was very good.

:))
Tell your friend good job!!
Sasha 16.12.07.07 / 6pm

Hi Everyone,
My name is Sasha and I have gone back and forth between anorexia and bulimia since my pre-teens. I am now 27 and a mother to two wonderful boys. I relapsed last year at this time and wrote Marya this past spring when I was at my worst.
(Marya, I read your email response everyday and everytime that I was triggered and it helped tremendously.)
It has been a long haul out of relapse and I’m still in the process. Tonight is an especially bad night and I am fighting the urge to throw up. I’m sitting here in tears and realize that I can no longer lie to myself and say that it will be the last time….I am fighting the urge because I know that it is so incredibly hard to stop after I’ve started the behaviors again.
In the spring, I was at my worst point with anorexia and my body is still recovering. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day. I read this board often and you are all a wonderful support. Thanks to everyone.
Mike 16.12.07.07 / 11pm

Sasha,

I’m glad to see you speak up. It sounds like it hasn’t been all that easy for you lately. But I think I might be able to illustrate something by quoting you:

“It has been a long haul out of relapse and I’m still in the process.”

It’s almost an understatement to say that it’s a long haul out of relapse. It can take some people most of their lives to figure a way to find peace with themselves and others may never be able to find that path. You had enough heart inside of you to speak up here and show that you need help. Thats not easy to do and I think it shows you the general direction that a big part of you wants to follow. Just because you slip of track sometimes doesn’t mean that you will always keep slipping. You are wise enough to recognize the behaviors that preceed the loss of control, so I hope that you can try and use that awareness to break the habit. You are going to need help to be able to do that and talking to me or anyone else here isn’t going to be enough by itself. If you feel like you are losing control the only thing I can reccomend is that you talk to someone professional. Above anything else at least keep talking. Sometimes life makes more sense when you take it one day at a time. Slow things down and remember the things that are important to you and to your family.

And I’ve got a deal for you, next time you get the urge to make yourself throw up *DON’T* and then come on here and tell me one of your favorite stories about your two boys or whatever you like. The more endearing the better. I promise you that if you can do that that you’ll become my favorite person for that day. And you’ll be welcome to be my favorite person any other day that you like aswell.

:]
allison combs 17.12.07.07 / 12pm

hi mike that was really sweet of you to post that to sasha…i’ve been fighting my demons as well….wanting to s/i and b/p but mostly i am restricting which is not good either. i am awaiting treatment for alcohol…am on the waiting list. in the meantime i have found a therapist in my area that specializes in ed….awaiting her call to see if she will accept my insurance…..i have my fingers crossed. hope u are well!
Sasha 17.12.07.07 / 6pm

Thank you Mike for the kind words and advice. It really gave me much needed strength when I read it this morning.
It helped alot to post last night and I somehow got through the urge. Today was a little better- still restricting…trying to eat and then wanting to get rid of it…the whole awful cycle. I got back into treatment earlier this year which included a meal plan w/ a nutritionist and the whole bit. I see a counselor and ed therapist as well. But the only thing available last night was this board, and I’m extremely grateful that it exists with a great group of people.

Sasha
allison combs 18.12.07.07 / 7am

hi sasha congrats on doing better! a little step leads to another…..glad u are here on this board. have a wonderful day!
Shelbie 18.12.07.07 / 2pm

I just read aan article pertaining to eating disordered women being more likely to commit suicide. ANy thoughts:

Click here
allison combs 18.12.07.07 / 3pm

hi shel, i just read the article. it is true……i tried to od on nov. 20th…..i am diagnosed w/ ed, alcoholism, anxiety, and self-injury. i am on a waiting list for drug and alcohol treatment and awaiting a call back from an ed counselor…hopefully she accepts my insurance. oh duh also obviously i am diagnosed with depression as well. thanks for posting that….now i don’t feel as much of a freak…for now….
Mike 19.12.07.07 / 11pm

You’re welcome, Sasha. It was the least I could do. I hope you can continue to speak up about this stuff. Let me know how you are doing when you read this message. Don’t hold back anything. Just write what you are feeling at that moment. I promise to write you back. :]

Hey Allison,

Its nice to hear from you. Did you hear back about your insurance yet? How are you dealing with things day to day right now? Write back often. I promise to write you back aswell.

:]
caitlin 20.12.07.07 / 1am

hello all, and marya,

i have not read wasted in several years. i gave it to my husband three years ago and asked him to take it to the used bookstore. not because i didn’t love it, but because i needed a break. apparently i would become symptomatic when i read it. i didn’t even realize it was happening. but i was pregnant for the second time, at that time, and i didn’t want anything to come between me and my health, so i decided i could check it out from the library if i needed to read it again.

then i went on and lived a full, healthy, recovered life. recently, i have found myself researching ed, watching people’s docs on youtube, geting triggered. thinking maybe i can go back. maybe i can try it again. in fact, i found this site in my quest for triggers, as ashamed of that as i am. i am being brutally honest here.

marya, i realize now that this quest is foolish. you are here, alive, encouraging people to stay healthy. i am a semester away from graduating with a masters in social work, in training to be a therapist, so close to my own dreams of success. i have not been anorexic for over five years. thank you for reminding me to look outside myself. i don’t have to go back there. i don’t really want to.

part of this process tonight was when i met with a new therapy client and discovered that she may have an eating disorder. my little world of ED revisited came crashing down all around me as I watched her struggle. i don’t want to go back. i can’t go back. i honestly thought i had moved on, but maybe i had to visit for a few days to remember why i don’t want to move back permanently.

sorry if this is disjointed, and thanks to all for listening.

to staying in the present moment.

-c
allison combs 20.12.07.07 / 10am

hey mike i am still drinking but not near as much. i b/ped one time for the first in a few weeks. no word yet on the insurance…..i have to call the rehab place on mon. to check in again. no cutting though….i realize as usual all my crap is connected…i am seeing my kids tomorrow for the weekend so that will be great! my daughter came over yesterday for my b-day. she got me a kick-ass butterfly keychain that is really pretty. i cried like a dumbass…thanks for listening and i will keep ya updated.
amanda 22.12.07.07 / 11am

Just stopping in to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! I know this is a tough time of year for people w/ED’s (and at times all people!). Since it can be stressful to be near family, friends,and food…but hang in there and try to find the fun and meaning of the season. It’s been a while since I’ve really struggled w/my ED and I now consider myself in recovery- yeah! Currently I am pregnant, a true blessing, something that I was afraid might not happen because of ED and it is going so well. I am embracing every part of this experience, growing body and all. It’s so true that when you can give up the struggle and embrace recovery you will become so happy and satisfied… you can never imagene the kind of ease and joy it brings to just be ok w/who you are. Not always easy but worth it. SOmetimes you have thoughts (like Caitlin’s) post explains but when you revisit and think about how misserable that life is you know it’s not worth it to go back there. Just want to tell you all that are struggling your new year can be differnet, it can bring a new life..don’t give up, keep fighting, and realize that you will have so much more happiness w/o ED. Best wishes to all.
caitlin 22.12.07.07 / 12pm

Congratulations on your pregnancy Amanda! A large piece of recovery came for me through my children…And I have so much more appreciation for the power of my body. Thanks for understanding what I was saying in my post. I had been lurking for a few days, afraid to write anything. Then I had a few glasses of wine and my inhibitions were lowered! I feel much better since I posted, and I read everyone’s posts frequently for support. A bit about myself: I am a 31 y/old mom of two beautiful children, as I said, a grad student working primarily in the field of trauma, addiction, and anger management. I have a wonderful husband and one of my favorite hobbies is yoga, which I hardly ever have time to do anymore as I am so busy with school and my litle ones. Best wishes to all in the new year…

-c
Ashley 25.12.07.07 / 11am

Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays everyone! Sorry I haven’t been on in such a long time. I still don’t have a computer! I was hoping to get one for christmas but no such luck.

Anyway, I am doing really well with recovery. It’s really fucking hard, but overall I think I am doing a pretty awesome job with staying on track. The holidays have been really hard, not gonna lie, but I am hanging in there. This is the first time I have made it through the holidays without using any symptoms and getting completely shitfaced in YEARS and it feels pretty fucking good. I have been able to spend quality time with my family without using the eating disorder or having to be drunk. The thoughts and urges, however, are still there which is really annoying. But they are just thoughts and urges and the beauty of it is I don’t have to act on them! There are 13 people staying in this house so there is plenty of distraction which was really chaotic at first, but kind of works in my favor. When all else fails, distraction is always good!

I better get back to the fam, I just wanted to take advantage of my parents computer and say Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and I hope everyone is doing well!

Ashley
cat 27.12.07.07 / 2am

Ashley, it’ so lovely to hear you being so positive. I think it’s important to accept that being in recovery is difficult - expecting problems and pitfalls means that you’re not overly disappointed in yourself for feeling stressed out or wanting to indulge in symptoms. Expecting myself to be ‘recovered’ after treatment was one of the reasons I kept lapsing back, I think - I was setting myself impossible ideals and expecting myself to be perfect, healthy, completely without symptoms or urges, which meant that the slightest stumble had me seeking comfort in bingeing, purging or restriction. Vicious circle.

It’s so great that you managed to enjoy Christmas - this is the first one I’ve really truly enjoyed in a long, long time so I know how great it feels. Big hugs to you! XXX
Ally 29.12.07.07 / 2pm

Hey everybody,

thx Allison for your kind words.
Hope, you had all lovely christmas days and enjoyed yourselves?
I am proud of me….didn`t gained weight and now it is still work which holds me on the bottom^^

Love Ally
Shelbie 29.12.07.07 / 11pm

I wrote this little poem-ish thing, and I wanted to know what anyone thought of it. Criticism is welcomed. :). It has reference to weight so I’ll just put stars. I don’t want to trigger anyone.

-His ribs stick through his skin.
It’s still not enough. No amount of pills could make him lose weight any faster. He is ‘just being weak’, he says to himself. He forces his tired eyes awake in the pale purple hours of the morning to run.
He drags his already emaciated body to the scale.
***.*. It is still too much.
He must free his body from destructive, putrid food. He longs for the day when it reads **. Rattling breath and shaking hands won’t stop him. His once immaculate body now painted with an array of bruises. His mind greets him with a fantastic flurry of colors and shapes. He cannot ignore the light-headedness he feels, or the shadows and dark shapes that dance before his disillusioned eyes. As the room grows faint, he feels himself being pulled to the floor. He is gone.
As his ribs stick though his skin, he asks himself. ‘Is it really worth it?’-

Any comments on it?

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eating disorders or Wasted

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eating disorders or Wasted

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